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end of 2011; Humor
Topic Started: Jan 2 2012, 10:18 AM (551 Views)
{KN} Rigger
Brigadier General
As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for
Your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed
Up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a
Paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my
Ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the
Lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
What has happened on it since it was last washed?

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
Driving because the number one pastime while driving
alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can
only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
Years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY
SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial
killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a dime coin
dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex
molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I’m afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend’s beautician

Oh, and by the way...A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told
By e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD :lmao:
DAY!!!!!
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